I interview for a grown up job tomorrow. And I don’t know if I should be excited or scared.
I am truly trying to find a way to be more open about myself and who I am and what I feel.
The truth is that I really don’t feel very much most of the time.
And tonight is one of those nights.
There are just some things that I find myself unsure about all the time.
And even though I am feeling good, I have a hard time doing it.
I’ve been tired and cold for weeks. Which feels like death.
It seems like even nights that are supposed to be about me are about him.
My life is a wreck.
My dad has cancer and has for the last year. Wednesday he found out that his last cycle of treatment did basically nothing. It is actually very likely that it is worse now than it was when the treatment started. And it is also probably spreading.
I am so completely devastated by that news that I don’t even know how to express the way that I am feeling. Devastated is literally the only word I can think of, and even that doesn’t do my heart justice.
I am heartbroken for him and the pain he has to go through. And I am terrified to imagine what my life would be like without my dad in it.
I have accepted that everything will not be perfect.
And I know that I can only do so much.
And I am making the best of that.
Anonymous said: do you go on tumblr a lot? just wondering! i like your posts
Honestly, I check it obsessively, but I really don’t post often. I have always been one of those people who wants to keep up with it daily, but I find myself getting scared of the things that I am posting. So, they get vague, and really kind of impersonal. I would really like to write more, but I think that I just don’t know how to.